My Good Friend:
Today, one year ago, I was just after getting into my teeny car outside Matt and Nikki's and was about to pull off when my phone rang, my friend E's name was on the screen and I hadn't spoken to her in ages so was expecting a good old chin wag, when I said hello all I could hear was her sobbing. So was I seconds later. She had called to tell me that earlier on that day, our friend Peter had died. He had taken his own life. His parents had found him in the apartment he had shared with his girlfriend until 2 weeks previously when they had split up. He was supposed to be moving to Portugal in three days time. But he didn't.
I didn't run into the house crying, I was so calm. I think I didn't believe that it was true, or I didn't want to believe that someone who had been the source of a lot of my laughter since I had known them was gone. I didn't want to believe that he would do this, that he would willingly do something like this. He was such a happy person...and what about us? What about all of the people that he had left behind? I asked this question to no one as I drove home in a daze, what about us?
I didn't run into the house crying, I was so calm. I think I didn't believe that it was true, or I didn't want to believe that someone who had been the source of a lot of my laughter since I had known them was gone. I didn't want to believe that he would do this, that he would willingly do something like this. He was such a happy person...and what about us? What about all of the people that he had left behind? I asked this question to no one as I drove home in a daze, what about us?
In the 20 minutes or so that it took me to get home my phone rang four times. All people who had also just found out, I couldn't even speak, let alone co-ordinate myself to pull over and answer the phone. I had just been talking about him to Matt as well. How weird I thought. My head was reeling. I hadn't shed a tear really since I had been on the phone to E, I think I knew that if I started that I wouldn't stop for a long long time. Which is exactly what happened when I got home. It was the strangest feeling, that I was able to hold my emotions together enough just to get me home that night. I probably should have gone back into the house instead of driving all the way home, but then I didn't want anyone saying "it will be ok" or other sympathetic words, I didn't want that, I needed to be on my own, with my thoughts, in my own head, I needed to be able to cry uncontrollably without anyone looking at me. So, I went to my bedroom and I walked out on my balcony and sat on the ground (in the 5 years that I lived in that house I never got around to buying patio furniture for it!!) and sat beneath the cold night sky, held my head in my hands and I bawled my eyes out for him, for his lovely parents, for his little sister who was in her last year in school, for his lady, for us, his friends, and for me, because I knew how much I was going to miss him.
To the boy that made me laugh so much every day, and who also pissed me off so much one day in work that after I told you to go fuck yourself I stormed off and slammed the door so hard that the clock fell off the wall and then I spilled a cup of tea all over myself, and then you came in and pointed and laughed at me and made me cry and then you laughed even more, I miss you.
You were my baba, you made me laugh when all I wanted to do was scream the place down, you let me drive your precious car really really fast, faster than I have ever driven before and ever will again, I just wish that you had been able to talk to someone about whatever it was that was going on in your head that day and probably for a while before it, instead of doing what you did, because as much as I miss you, I can never forgive that.
To the boy that made me laugh so much every day, and who also pissed me off so much one day in work that after I told you to go fuck yourself I stormed off and slammed the door so hard that the clock fell off the wall and then I spilled a cup of tea all over myself, and then you came in and pointed and laughed at me and made me cry and then you laughed even more, I miss you.
You were my baba, you made me laugh when all I wanted to do was scream the place down, you let me drive your precious car really really fast, faster than I have ever driven before and ever will again, I just wish that you had been able to talk to someone about whatever it was that was going on in your head that day and probably for a while before it, instead of doing what you did, because as much as I miss you, I can never forgive that.
4.21-en
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