« geek | Main | IMterview »
I took this video of Andy (who friends will know, and frequent visitors may know from the podcast) on Killiney hill AGES ago, and meant to do something with it. I found it in my video library the other day, and decided to do this:
I'm sure you'll all agree that it's mildly amusing.
[Yes, I know the quality is pants, it's not YouTube's fault, it's my old crappy camera.]
NOT SAFE FOR WORK.
[via my cousin-in-law Adam, who doesn't have an online presence]
Seeing as I can do this -
...Maybe I could apply for a job as one. I mean people need desks don't they, and I could classify myself as a fun novelty type desk. I don't know how I would hold up for 8 hours of it, but I am sure with a bit of practice it could be perfected.
There's nothing like Facebook for eavesdropping on hilarious conversations.
A Mythbuster demonstrates how helium turns you into Donald Duck, and sulfur hexafluoride turns you into SATAN (or, a butch lesbian, depending on your point of view).
[via Kottke]
I've had a productive day today. Apart from getting in at 8am (which rerely, if ever, happens) completely clearing my work email of anything that has to be acted upon (barring those things that are required to be acted upon soon), getting a dance show in and set up (just finished a few tweaks now), getting orders in for major structural components (acoustic doors and the like), I've also found the time to print out this sign, and stick it on my office door:
Nikki's away for a week and a half, and we're having visitors while she's away. She's been away quite a lot recently with work, so the house isn't in it's usual pristine state. See, normally, I do all the cooking and Nikki does nearly all the cleaning. Very rarely, Nikki will cook and I will clean*. Because we're having visitors (my cousin Ame and her hubby Adam, and their baby Jack) for the weekend, Nikki instructed me to clean the house a bit. But she didn't trust me to follow that vague instruction, so she left me a list.
Now, I dunno what would happen if I were going away and I decided to leave cooking instructions for herself. I'd imagine I'd be going away with a black eye. :-)
* Where "very rarely" means "almost never", especially in the case of me cleaning.
Babs came over last week, because her Laptop (a 3 or 4 year old Dell) was running "a bit slow", or something. Apparently she now needs an excuse to visit her big brother. :-P
Anyhoo, I would've though that she had some aptitude or knowledge of computers and how to keep them kosher. In this day and age, I tend to assume that most people who use computers for most of their working day have some sort of a clue.
Any IT professionals are probably laughing out loud right now. Lets just say I was very wrong. From looking at others peoples' machines in work (because they asked me to, not because I like "looking at their shit"), and now from ploughing a furrow though the muddy mess of my sisters machine, I now realise that everyone, or at least the vast majority of people, are mucking fuppets when it comes to anything with a keyboard and a screen (this includes phones, ATM's, etc).
SO. Halfway through deleting (or "uninstalling", God I hate Windows) 75% of the programs on Babs ailing Dell (do you ever use this? No? Why is it there then?! DELETE), I decided to update things like Adobe Reader (yes, I could have installed something else, but that would just complicate things further), and Firefox.
This is when I actually started laughing.
Which versions of these programs do you think she had installed? Bearing in mind that Firefox is now on V2.0.0.9 and Adobe Reader is on v8.1.1.
Firefox: Version 1.0.7. Last updated early 2005. OMG.
Adobe Reader: Not even Adobe reader, but Adobe ACROBAT Reader, the really old one. Version 4 or 5 point something. Seriously. Old. Older than her machine. I hate Dell too.
I know that it doesn't make much difference to how a computer runs, but having the latest version of whatever web browser you use is vital I think. I have set up auto-updates on Babs machine for Firefox now.
Also (God help us all) she was using McNortonAfee for anti-virus. I'll have to get back to her on that one, I ran out of time, and send Babs home with her Laptop de-fragging on the passenger seat.
Next time I'll have to have some install discs ready, methinks. And perhaps an external drive and a copy of Ubuntu.
Best customer service update ever? I mean granted, it's been about three weeks since I ordered this from them, and I was getting a little worried that I hadn't received a shipping notification from them, but this kinda makes up for it. :-)
[Of course, the .gif attached to the message was an ad for cheap "Viagra", but the subject line is still brilliant]
...Today is Johnny Vegas's birthday!
Happy Birthday Johnny!
Oh, and it's Moby's birthday too. And John Martyn's. And Franz Beckenbauer's. And Ludacris's.
I'm sure there's something else I'm forgetting too, but I'm not sure what.
Below is an excerpt from an email sent to me by my French friend Michael, or French Mick as he is known by: I think its hilarious!
"Erin, the cowboy, & his friend from Houston, Texas whom we partied with last Friday.(we introduced him to the talented Daniel O'donnell? Ireland's own Elvis Presley)."
(*Note: Michael has a Daniel O'Donnell ashtray in his house and also a Daniel plate, creepy tastic, he is not a fan, although some may beg to differ).
...they send the entire building a link to a YouTube video.
[Granted, it's that Ok Go video with the treadmills (ie not the greatest rock video ever), but I still reckon he's pretty cool.]
[Diesel Sweeties, via BoingBoing]
So I'm a Gmailer, like the majority of people I know. Gmail rocks, yeah?
I have this thing where I have the RSS feed for blog comments at the top of my mail view in Gmail, just for fun. I only turned the option on last week.
Every so often, instead of the feed, Gmail will slip one of those "targeted ads" into the feed slot instead of what I want to see there (this seems to me like enough reason for me to turn the option off again).
So today, I was emptying my spambox, and this is the targeted ad that the big G thought I'd be interested in:
Genius , I thought.
Ok, for those of you unfamiliar with the mails I get from Babs, I suggest you look here and here, then read on. Or you could just dive right in...
Harro,
I am so dying maaaaaan, help me, not sick or anything, just dead bored and feel lethargic, its all your blempt just FYI, people can be so annoying at times, and bollocky work shite, I am off for loads of days 13 in total from tomorrow, perhaps I am having pre holiday blues or summat but I feel like running even though I am wearing high heels and a skirt, I feel weird in these shoes, they are sort of witchy, pointy toey and that, so I cannot run. The feckin sun is BAITING in on me and its making me feel funny. I am convinced its from the dodgy yogurt that you MADE me eat last night before conveniently not eating it yourself, I hope that you have some with you in worky for your lunch and that, yum yum, I am going to make brownies or cookies or something this week for yum treats. Oh Match, I feel so lazy and bizarre today, I am sitting on my own on my side of the desks cause Anto is off so its boring, its boring without Trishbags anyway, she feckin deserted me so she did, oh its 15 mins till lunchtime, yum, cant wait, have deadly gingery soup and other tasty delights like a pink (ponk) lady apple (fizzylicious) and then some bread roll with emmenthal and moutarde and a pear and a banano for my 3pm slump, sugar buzz maaaaaan but au naturel. So sleepy from this Jasus sun, am I going insane? My arms hurt too for some reason, must have been from making that pastry yesterday ? ahahahaha!!!
Love you xxx
As per Babs' request, here's the amazing "No Freaking Out" sign, ideal for use in all offices or indeed any work-based environment.
I recommend printing it out, laminating it sticking it in every office and room in your workplace.
(Dedicated to Winds...)
Swim, swim, swim, swim, poo, eat, splash, splash, swim,
Tank: ?ooh I know I will try and get past this giant rock in the tank and get wedged there for hours until Babs gets home, oh here she comes woohoo?
Babs: ?you are a fucking idiot Tank?
Tank: ?oooh she set me free, I wonder will she give me any of that yummy dried river shrimp stuff, mmm mmm good?.
Swim, swim, swim.
Tank: ?I wish that these other turtles weren?t here, why does Babs feel the need to adopt other peoples turtles, these two here aren?t even the same, now I?m not being a racist or anything, but what the fuck is with their red ears, seriously!! Although the girl one is hot I suppose?
Splish splash,
Tank: ?oh lights out, lets try and piss Babs off when she is trying to sleep by beating the heads off one another, that will be great, maybe then she will feed us?..?.
Babs: ?Shut the FUCK up Jasus, what is wrong with you, Roomie* take your fucking small turtles back?,
Roomie: ?yeah I will, yeah, no problem, em, I will clean my tank out tomorrow? (**)
Splish splash, ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Tank: ?Woohoo, lights on, food time, yay? ? plop-plop?plop-plop ? ?this fucking container she puts us in to feed us is shit isn?t it?
Roomie?s female turtle who has no name ***: ?oh you?re talking to me know, even though I have RED ears, fuck off yellowbelly?
Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, plop-plop-plop-plop,
Tank: ?yay freedom in the tank, victory is mine, I am free apart from these four glass walls that keep me off the carpet?
Swim, swim, swim, splish, splash.
ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(* Not my roomies real name)
(** He has been saying this since November)
(*** She has never had a name, aw!!)
There's an article on Livescience.com about Self-Cleaning Underpants made of fabric coated with "nano-particles". Then, "chemicals that can repel water, oil and bacteria are directly bound to the nanoparticles. These two elements combine to create a protective coating on the fibers of the material."
"The technology, created by scientists working for the U.S. Air Force, has already been used to create t-shirts and underwear that can be worn hygenically for weeks without washing."
I have to have them. I NEED them. Seriously.
There's other links in the article about chameleonic clothing and spray-on shirts too. I'm not sure about the spray-on stuff, but a chameleon shirt would be cool.
Not really that high, all things considered (click image to see where you are).
I'm doing a Advanced Certificate in Management Practices at the moment, amongst other things. It is mainly taught by Arthur McKeown, a man who, amongst other things, has been a lighthouse keeper, taught English as a foreign language in Libya, and taught the Certificate I'm doing (of course).
In talking about presentations today, he remarked:
All Power corrupts,
Powerpoint corrupts absolutely
Which I thought was absolutely brilliant. :-)
Spotted in a market in Costa Rica, here's one liquid you might not want to bring onto a plane with you...
Well, definitely not in the US anyway.
[via BoingBoing]
WARNING: GEEK ALERT
if (person = terrorist) {Can you spot the error?
punish_severely();
} else {
exit(-1);
}
[stolen from via BoingBoing]
Seems almost real, until you hear the words "world's first giraffe-only zoo", and you see the island is shaped like a huge shamrock.
(credit to Babs, who mailed this to me. I dunno who mailed it to her...)
Wikipedia Entry / Youtube Videos
My mouth's as dry as a nuns crack.
As funny as a burning orphanage.
He's so camp, he shites tent pegs.
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes.
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn.
Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit.
As tight as a nun's knickers.
I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the
van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
No show pony but would do for a ride around the house.
Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt.
I left her with a face like a painters radio.
A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard.
Jaysus, she could breastfeed a creche.
As fit as a butcher's dog.
Not even the tide would take her out.
Mother Teresa wouldn 't kiss her,
Daz wouldn't shift her, and
Des Kelly wouldn't lay her.
A sniper wouldn't take her out.
Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle.
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one.
She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab.
If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall.
Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her.
Careful now, you might die laughing...
A Dog's Diary
7 a.m. - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 a.m. - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 a.m. - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!
2 p.m. - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 p.m. - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 p.m. - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 p.m. - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!
7 p.m. - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 p.m. - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 p.m. - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11 p.m. - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!
A Cat's Diary
Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.
It's only a matter of time.
Up in Andys, having a chat, after work. Nice and chilled.
Idly chatting about all kinds of crap, the fantasticness of the festival on the weekend, Andy having to work all weekend and him being teeny tad pissed off and full of coldy stuffy horribleness after getting lashed on at Daft Punk on Friday night, only seeing a couple of things over the weekend, I was all "Trans Global Underground was cool, and the Disco Brasil thing was really deadly, I was really pissed (ow my head when I got up this morning)" yadda blah etc. Ant and Dec's "Northern Rock All* Star Cup" celebrity golf thingy is on TV.
Alice Cooper is playing well (he plays almost every day, you know), Meatloaf's not bad either. Alice Cooper. Meatloaf. Golf. Weird.
Do you reckon the Devil plays gold? I reckon he does. If Alice does, I reckon old Nick pulls on his plus-fours and the old argyle geansaí every so often for an auld front nine before lunch. Probably does.
That's probably all that's on on TV in hell, The Devil, playing golf, all day, every day.
Not in golfer's hell, obviously.
Me and Andy talk about some weird shit.
By This: http://evil.berzerker.net/death_predictions.php
Sarah: at age 26 while playing Tekken 23, a burglar will break into your house. A fight will ensue and you will lose.
(not by the fact that it has told me that I will die at 26, but that I don?t know how to play Tekken)
[via some dude]
So I'm on the couch, watching an episode of the Simpsons, and Nikki casually remarks, without thinking about what she's saying:
"That's weird, I haven't got my jugs out yet"
(Cue uproarious, snorting laughter from me, and much slapping of my thigh)
"I mean, I haven't unpacked my measuring jugs, from the boxes, oh, you know what I mean!"
I'm still laughing. :-)
(Heh-heh... jugs... heh-heh-heh)
While in Surgery, Do You Prefer Abba or Verdi?
I'm sorry, I was going to just bang this into the links, but it's just far too funny not to post.
[via Screenhead]
Via Winds:
| You Are Creepy |
 |
I didn't think I was scary at all... :-(
Here we go again... Take a deep breath...
Whenever man o man, I dunno I am starving and I have a head full of snot, like if you turned me on my side it would pour out
Scary thing happened after swimming: a knacker dude collapsed in my driveway (?) and then he had this massive gash on the back of his head and wouldn?t / couldn?t get up and then totally passed out so I called the ambo?s and then he got up and staggered across the road on front of a load of cars and that, and then collapsed across the road and then got up again and staggered away so I dialled 999 again and told them this and then they said that they would still get the Ambo?s bit also the cops and told me to go inside and calm down so I did and then the cops and this RIDICULOUSLY HOT paramedic dude came to my house asking me what happened and I felt really bad cause I told them he was gone down ailsbury road and I said that I told the emergency service dude that too and the really hot Ambo was all ?if he got up why did you call the ambos and then I almost started to cry (seriously they sent 4 cops and 4 ambo?s what the fook?) and I was all tearful and saying I didn?t know what to do he was really scary and obviously totally fooked up he had a massive cut on his head (I pointed out the blood on the driveway) and then he was like ?its ok love, calm down, it happens all the time?. I wanted to ask him out on a date but seriously embarrassing, he was a beautiful man! (I know you don?t want to knw about me fancying anyone but whatever! I am a grown up now!! Hahaha!!
Love you and we will get drunk soon ok
And... Relax... Phew. I'm knackered again now.
To give you an idea of what Babs is like, as a sister, friend and someone who I love to bits, here's an email I got from her the other day. This Mail has been copied and pasted, with no changes at all:
Howdy Dudey!I am SO bored today, Trishbags is off sick still with some bizarro viral infection jazzaroonie, ew and also scary, she has to go and get blood tests, I am bonnixed from swimming, and also scared that she will make me go into the lane swimming thingymajigaroonie boonie, my chest hurts cause I have a classic Verso spot and no can understand the pain!! I squished myself last night in yoga-toga, I think I mashed my ribs together trying to do that lift up thingy majig, my teacher Ciara told me that I should do some abdominal exercises (?) at home to build up my ?core? and then I can move onto the next level you know like ? a woohoo! Although I am a bit scared of that too, I was thinking of maybe joining the gym but that?s far too boring so have decided against it for the moment, I am SO tired too, felt like I had about 2 hours sleep last night, when in fact I had about 7 ? I am DEFFO going to bed dead early tonight, if I have any choice, that is, I am hoping to be there by at the most 10 o?clock but I just always seem to have SO much to do, crazy town tacular. You know me and the way that I type the way I speak, can you actually hear my voice in your head talking it all out or what, you have a crazy imagination but not as crazy as me, I think I win in the Krazy Kat Kompetition!! I just feel totally drained like I should go to bed or summat, either drained or like I want to explode into hyperactivity, I find it hard at times to decipher which one it is! I am going to Deftones gig tomorrow night in the Ambassador I think, I hope, I have to call Daddio the hero dude father, so that should be good then its dead as a dodo on Saturday I am not doing anything at all, apart from maybe having a stroll on the ?beach? I need a total restamundo day you know what I mean? My whole body feels wrecked, I wanted to make cookies tonight but I think I might be just a little bit wrecked and I cant even think of anything to have for dinner, and I am going over to Trish?s gaff for a while after work, groan!!
Ok I am going to sign off from my rant face!! I am sure that you might be bored, get me a surprise or something, hope that the gaffaroonie is all swell and that, have you slept there yet, whats the bleedin jazz man?
Peace and Love Turtle Dove!
XOXOX
Now, imagine talking to her, every other day, and trying to get a word in edgewise (only messin', as I said before, I love her to bits!).
|
You Are Bert |
 Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others |
I met, and talked to, approximately 12 people that I knew, before 11am this morning. These people can be divided into two groups:
I much prefer the second (much smaller, as in one person) group. They are nice.
Question: If you saw someone you knew, in work (or in a café, or shop even), with Marmite (or other condiment) on their face, would you:
'Here's a message for Faggot-lovers everywhere.'
Does anyone remember these? I don?t but my friend Trish does, so as a gift to her, I seached high and low on the net for the advert ? they even had a theme song- but had no luck, its killing me, I want to find it just to see if it will jog my memory!! There is even a ?Faggot Family? for Jasus sake!
*faggots are balls of low quality pork, basically pork liver and shredded pork meat, and offal ? ew! I am wondering has anyone ever tried these? I think I would most definitely vomit at the smell, but some people would eat anything!
Well well, what can I say, while I was sitting in the car last night having a chat with my groovy brother this song came on, now I had heard it a few times but never really listened to it, I couldn?t really understand what Shakira was going on about due to the horrific lyrics and also Wycliffe Jean (or whatever he?s called, formerly of The Fugees) shooting his mouth off about refugees and that.
So I decided being kind of anal about things like that, that I would Google the lyrics today, so I did, and from what I can see, its quite obvious that English is clearly not her first language, the lyrics make no sense whatsoever, how did this become a chart topper I wonder, it sounds like just another Shakira song but reading the lyrics you can clearly see Wycleff?s influence in it, apparently his part is about his concern for (you guessed it) refugees and CIA harassment(?). It?s almost as if she just wants it to rhyme and so puts random words together. Hmmm!
Funniest if you're a geek Star Wars fan who has watched 24, imho.
Seeing as most of the time these days, my spambox is crammed full of mails in Chinese, a good spam is hard to find. So Spam of the Week will now be Spam of the Month (I don't think anyone really cares about it anyway except me, but feck you all, I'm gonna keep doing it anyway).
It's not really Spam anyway, but more like 'Flarf', in that it's not really trying to sell me anything or con me in any way, but more the spam I like is just nonsensical gibberish, lifted straight from crappy romantic fiction with some meaningless extra 'words' thrown in there for good measure.
So this week month, I am giving the prize to 'Daryl Gould', for this:
I have a place I go when I feel like this. costa beige She held her bloody palms out toward him for a moment.
"And that's where your car is now, Paul ? somewhere between Route 9 and the Grider Wildlife Preserve, somewhere in the woods. ""Good. Now that he was dead, Paul could look at him. "Paul put his own spoon down. "Paul, are you really done? "And he had returned to his cal?che without so much as a response to Geoffrey's question. Rainage knew her slightly ? had observed something white lying on the ground of the Congregational church's cemetery as she entered it to put flowers on the grave of her husband, who had died the previous winter. bluebill
Wouldn't you love to visit a place called 'Costa Beige'?
As heard on 'Have I Got News For You' (the repeat) last night, during a conversation regarding reports that some Welsh citizens found the new Pot Noodle ad to be racist:
"I see that Pot Noodle are launching their product in Korea, and are bringing out a new vegetarian flavour of their infamous product especially for the Koreans, they're going to call it 'Not Poodle'." (cue endless hilarious variations of Pot/Not/Poodle/Noodle from Merton and Hislop).
Geddit? Genius, no? Kthxbye.
Via the ever-resourceful Annie:
I'm sure I saw this AGES ago, but I didn't have a blog then, which is why I'm blogging it now...
Right. In response to Nikki's comment in the last post, I will recount the embarrassing tale of my adventure in the Vodafone shop. Generally, I tend to let on to people that I have very (pretty?) good knowledge of all things technical, but in this instance, I was proved to be not so knowledgable.
My last phone was a Motorola v550, and it was a big heap of shite. It kept resetting back to the main menu while I was texting, I couldn't access the phonebook at all, the battery life was completely rubbish, I had already had the phone in to be repaired, and at this stage I just wanted a new one.
So off to the shop I went, a vast amount of reasons for wanting and deserving a new phone going through my head, ready to be recounted to the (no-doubt) understanding sales assistant. There was a bit of a queue in the shop so I waited for a bit. When I finally got to speak to the assistant, I started ranting.
"This phone is shite!"
"The phone book doesn't work!!
"It's already been fixed, but it's still broken!"
"It's under guarantee, I want a new one!"
Etc, etc.
The assistant (I cannot remember if it was a male assistant or a female assistant, but that's not important right now) stood there, listening and nodding along to my lengthy tirade, before asking me the vital question.
"Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?"
"Err... No. Bugger." (problem(s) solved, at least temporarily)
And thus ends the embarrasing tale of the Vodafone shop. Thank God for that, Nikki has been threatening to reveal the true secret of my technical ineptitude to the masses for what seems like forever. Finally, I can breathe a sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge the the whole world (or at least all regular readers of the Toasty Goodness) knows how truly brutal I am (but I still consider myself 'a bit of a geek').
(while viewing that Nescafé ad with the fortune cookies in it)
Nikki: "I didn't know you could make fortune cookies, I thought they just came like that"
Me: "..." (look of extreme disbelief)
(Later that same evening)
Nikki: "I'm cold"
Me: "Put the heating on then"
Nikki: "Nah, I'll just put another jacket on"
Me: "Err... You're not wearing a jacket..."
After all this talk of on-again-off-again Germanic infamy, I'm going to relax it all down a bit, with another Spam Of The Week™.
Following a few interesting BoingBoing posts about the phenomenon of 'Flarf' (spam/net inspired absurdist poetry), I decided to compose a flarf poem entirely out of a spam mail that I really recieved in my inbox.
I've entitled this little ditty "Re: [17]" (I'm sure you know why)
He never forgot these things
these words, these names.
in 1862 into account
She was glowing with excitementAnd there was not just one piling but two;
the pain was the pilings
and part of him knew
for a long time before
most of his mind had knowledge of knowing
that the shattered pilings were his own shattered legs
But oh, Mr Rancho Grande!
"At least, not if I have just a little luck"
She looked at him with no anger or suspicion
only faint curiosity
Did that mean he was making progress?
Paul crawled over to his bed
pulling himself on his elbows
and got hold of the coverletThat night I changed your medication
for something a little stronger
and when I was sure
you weren't going to wake up
even if someone exploded
a grenade under your bed
I got my little tool-kit
from the cellar shelf
and I took the keyplate off that door
in 1975...
Not bad, not bad. Reads quite well, and it even sounds like it's making sense about halfway through, but I assure you, dear readers, it really, really isn't.
Ah, bollocks.
"Hello Matthew,
thank you very much for your email!I am sorry, but I have to say that today we decided not to broadcast videoclips from the internet, so we don?t need your clip anymore.
In the last few days we saw a lot of videos from the world wide web and we all agree that it is not the stuff we were searching for.
Thank you very much and have a nice day!Best regards
Tobias
Well, so much for that. There goes my big chance for my fifteen minutes of German fame.
ps: Fuck them. Fuck them all, the bastards. :-)
I just got an e-mail from "a German TV-production-company named 'Constantin-Entertainment GmbH' from Munich":
"Since four months we are producing a funny Clip-Show called ?ClipCharts? which is on air at 7.45 PM on the German broadcast station ?kabel eins?.
Within 30 minutes we show twenty funny homevideos, videoclips, webcamvideos and similar stuff like that.
My name is Tobias and I work in the editorial department of "ClipCharts" .
At present we are searching for new funny stuff and in connection with that we found your great videoclip on www.googleidol.com.
If you agree, we would like to broadcast this clip in our show. In this case we need your videoclip as an .mpeg- or .avi-file.
If you are interested in a cooperation with us and agree that we show your musicclip / videoclip on our TV-Show, please write back as soon as possible , because we would like to use your video in the next few weeks! Further details you´ll hear from my colleagues of the legal department, who will contact you."
What should I do?! Do I want to be famous in Germany (and possibly the next Hoff?!)?!
Has everyone seen this? If you've ever seen any of the new Saturday Night Live sketches featuring the writing and acting talents of Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone and Andy Samberg (aka the Lonely Island team), like "Lazy Sunday", or the most recent (and recently del.icio.us-ed by me) "Laser Cats", and wondered where how those dudes got a contract with NBC, here's how. Running time is 19m39s.
Exploding high-five everyone!
Actually, that should read SpamS of the week, because there are two this week that I found intriguing, confusing, and weird, and I couldn't decide which one was err... 'best'. So if anyone cares, pick one from these two:
"Donn Barry" sent this:
"You may think you can fool me, or trick me; I know I look slow and stupid. Sports Illustrated The Sims please.
There had been no trouble between them since the blowup over the typewriter paper. When he took it out, the swelling seemed to have gone down a little. "he asked. Then it went cold. "Pomeroy was hitchhiking. "he tried to scream, but only got out Annie you before his head flew off and rolled to the wall. He looked around quickly, chin down on his breastbone, eyes crafty and frightened. in 1856..."
"Alejandra Isaac" sent:
"Help me! Madonna Sony The one shallow drawer spilled out.
Psychotics can cope in the world ? after a fashion ? and sometimes, as I think you well know, they get away with some very nasty shit. Because if you want me to, I'll go. of course! "Did I say I wasn't going to start? homeenglish. t be long, either, although it may seem longer to you than it really is ? when it hurts a little less. He blinked, lowering his head and staring stupidly out into the summer he had never expected he would see. Matrix..."
I really can't decide between these. Maybe you, my loyal readers, can help?
SO, unlike most of the civilized (read: Christian) world, I'm working on a bank holiday. And I'm feeling very lazy. So instead of some photos or a meme or something really interesting, here's a load of unrelated links to all sorts of crap that I found to be funny and/or interesting.
First up, an Easter Egg, for the weekend that was in it. Google have revealed that their search technology is entirely powered by PC's, or Pigeon Clusters, "One of the most promising projects in development involves harnessing millions of pigeons worldwide to work on complex scientific challenges", they say. I'll be very interested to see where this pigeon-based computing technology goes in the future.
For those of you who use Firefox (you do use Firefox, don't you?!?!), and haven't seen this before, try typing about:mozilla in the address bar.
Next up, it's Google in Klingon, and also l33t-speak. How fun its that? And also very geeky. Actually it's definitely more nerdy than geeky.
For those of you who think manhole covers are boring things that should only be used to cover manholes, the Japanese are out to prove you wrong. I'd hang some of those on my wall, I tells ya.
And to finish, here's Google Video's Top 100 Videos. If you can spare an hour and twenty or so, you really, really should go and watch 911 Loose Change 2nd Edition, #4 in the top 100, and possibly the best documentary you'll ever see on the internet. Or you could just watch "Webcams Girls Go Wild" (I'm looking at you, Adrian Sevitz). But whatever you do, don't watch this guy getting his hands chopped off by a helicopter.
Later dudes!
So myself and herself are off to Wales for the Weekend, for herself's friend Ciara's 30th Birthday party. Ciara lives in (err...) Manchester (?) and there's a few people from Ireland going, so she's meeting us all half way, somewhere in Wales.
As part of my packing and preparations today, I decided it's high time I bought myself a new toothbrush, as my old one is getting a bit old (and covered in dry toothpastey crud). Tesco were doing a special on the Oral B Pulsar, ?3 off at ?4.99, so I decided to give it a go. It's got "vibrating micropulse bristles™," which "pulse to lift up plaque and stimulate gums", so I just had to show it to Andy (and prattle on about it for about fifteen minutes). And it got us thinking.
What with the Gillette M3 Power™ and upcoming Fusion™ products, and now this new vibrating toothbrush, what's next?
"Vibrating facecloths?" I pondered, "Vibrating loofahs?"
Andy pondered also, "Hair brushes!" and then came the clincher, "Vibrating BOG ROLL!"
How we laughed.
nb: Yes, I am aware that Oral B is owned by Gillette
This week it's all about the orgasm, with a mail from 'Medina Howard'. Or so I would've believed, but then, once again, I highlighted the big blank space at the bottom of the mail and revealed the true, spy-novel-like nature of the spam:
"'As almighty God's my witness,' said Nikanor Ivanovich, ' I never touched any and I never even suspected that it was foreign money. God will punish me for my sin,' Nikanor Ivanovich went on feelingly, unbuttoning his shirt, buttoning it up again and crossing himself. ' I took the money--I admit that--but it was Soviet money. I even signed a receipt for it. Our secretary Prolezhnov is just as bad--frankly we're all thieves in our house committee. . . . But I never took any foreign money.' On being told to stop playing the fool and to tell them how the dollars found their way into his ventilation shaft, Nikanor Ivanovich fell on his knees and rocked backwards and forwards with his mouth wide open as though he were trying to swallow the wooden parquet blocks. 'I'll do anything you like,' he groaned, ' that'll make you believe I didn't take the stuff. That Koroviev's nothing less than a devil!' Everyone's patience has its limit; voices were raised behind the desk and Nikanor Ivanovich was told that it was time he stopped talking gibberish. Suddenly the room was filled with a savage roar from Nikanor Ivanovich qut ktn utu ut jtnuopgtl ujtft fuqskugup u ou fu lqkuu uh ui nnsh pgq kp p plqiplptqhnnp tpmpppkpgtfprquq r unphqoqsqlqr"
Funny the way that it mentions something about someone being told to stop talking gibberish, and then almost immediately starts talking gibberish.
| You Are 32 Years Old |
 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
(via Babs, my lil' sis')
Surprise! It wasn't just a one-off post at all, I really am going to try to find one funny/strange/interesting thing in the tide of spam that I recieve each day, and I'm going to post every week I can be bothered to post one.
This week's dubious award goes to 'Hardy Ted' who, just before trying to sell me some 'SPUR-M' (Improves Orgasm! 500% More Volume! Sweeter Tasting Sperm! WHAT?!) pills from a very spurious supplier, recounted a fascinating story about 'The Variety'...
"...the senior remaining member of the Variety's management. By ten o'clock the ticket queue had swollen to such a size that the police came to hear of it and rapidly sent some detachments of horse and foot to reduce the queue to order. Unfortunately the mere existence of a mile-long queue was enough to cause a minor riot in spite of all the police could do. Inside the Variety things were as confused as they were outside. The telephone had been ringing since early morning-- ringing in Likhodeyev's office, in Rimsky's office, in the accounts department, in the box-office and in Varenukha's office. At first Vassily Stepanovich had attempted to answer, the cashier had tried to cope, the commissionaires had mumbled something into the telephone when it rang, but soon they stopped answering altogether because there was simply no answer to give the people asking where Likhodeyev, Rimsky and Varenukha were. They had been able to put them off the scent for a while by saying that Likhodeyev was in his flat, but this only produced more angry calls later, declaring that they had hjmtm g momu ljm oi m lrm pmhmrmsmjjkkilhj jjojjju j qfl j p jkjl i j l tlflolql i ljljl tl mj rlpl il tmomsirmfmq mn hjmtmklglhm umslt ij lsmo lu ls mflfjlju jhjsjo fnjjjmj j mt h jhkhi iu h nhflg imi ughijioijiui qmlipiki l p guqu ltrtsq..."
Isn't it weird the way they start off quite interesting, then degenerate into total babble, then say 'Hey! Buy our Mickey-Pills!'? I'm going to do a paper on the actual origins of Spam, as I think some are created entirely by machines...
But I probably won't bother.
I meant to post this ages ago, it's actually the first of two lip-synch vids that I made towards the end of last year, the second of which was my first post on this here blog of mine. I was reminded by Annie's recent post about Google Idol, and also inspired to 'audition' it for the next competition. I hope I'm not being a bit conceited, but I think I kick the ass of most of the entries on Google Idol, except maybe the Two Chinese Guys. Wish me luck everybody!
You may need to turn up your brightness a little. It looks fine on my laptop at home but on my CRT-monitored work computer, I can't see a f***in' thing.
ps: Tenacious D ROCK ASS!!!
Via Google Personalised Homepage:
I'm terrified at the prospect of us going to "Elmo", and really wish we could get back to "Oscar".
As you can guess from the title, I've decided to keep with this thing I've been doing with the opening spam mails and all that. I use Gmail as my primary (non-work) mail address, so any mails that make it even so far as my spam box have been thoroughly sniffed at by Google's rabid spam-hounds, so I think I'm pretty safe in opening them, much as Seamus might fear the consequences.
This week's award goes to "Demetrius Burgess" who tried to sell me a fake Rolex but left this beautiful passage (almost invisible, in white text) at the bottom of the mail:
"The eyes were wide-awake, everywhere at once. byzantium successor terrier bullet nose collegial roundhead constellate cornelia hickman bury marina mercilessly excavate radar hack virulent berth kudo ravenous aptitude varitype olga dionysus luge webster aid clothe imposture bivariate tutorial doleful slew boat wigging arroyo avarice cease dialysis courteous interruptible bed gallop sled redshank expend il student knurl carcinogenic cloddish befogging forsook operant abel d's piddle pub prurient gland alumna bergman capacity credo typhus norton connecticut The pain!
I held it all the time you were gone, Annie, but I can't hold it much longer, and I don't want to wet myself again. Annie's boot-heels rattled staccato down the hallwav. Only a little. At the same time another voice was screaming: I'll be good, Annie! And the only emotion this thought engendered was tired relief. Half the story existed, full-blown, in his mind, and the rest was rapidly falling into place. "Now Paul went on: "I guess he told me to keep my eye on my wallet so many times that it's stuck inside for good. flight pseudo lorelei teeth howe coarsen scandal wormy herbert nascent triable egocentric belvedere buck spoonful commendatory ding quadrant electroencephalography victual evil opus..."
Ok, so it doesn't make any sense, but it's still pretty poetic, in a not-quite-poetry kinda way.
The pain!
More statistical nonsense.
According to this article, 4 out of 10 people think it's acceptable to talk on their mobile phone while they are on the toilet. I myself am horrendously embarrased if my mobile even rings when I'm on the toilet (in a public toilet, not at home, obviously). If I know you, and I ever ring you, and you are on the toilet when you see my name come up on the screen of your (ringing) mobile, please don't answer. Press 'silent' or 'busy'. I'll leave a message/ring you back later.
In other news, 54% of Germans still are available on their mobile phones while in flagrante delicto. Ahem. Err...?
You know spam, yeah? Those silly emails you get every day advertising everything from cheap Viagra and Rolexes to eternal salvation to the latest breakthrough in sex-organ size enhancement? You know sometimes (not often, but sometimes) you open them, because the subject line sometimes sounds remotely funny and/or interesting? No? Well I do. Sometimes.
So here's what I got in my spambox yesterday:
Unknown sender. No Subject. That's not a very good effort is it? I mean who's going to open that?
(ok maybe I would, just to get the screengrab, but you know what I mean...)
Sign outside the car park at work. Can anyone guess what it means? The prize for the correct guess is... Err... I'll think of one later.
Some clever lad has had a bash at the Anagram Transit Map meme that's been doing the rounds, with a map of the train lines in Dublin. It's pretty funny (in parts). Shame he seems to have 'forgotten' to anagramise a few of the stations, but still worth a look.
There was a programme on RTÉ 2 last night about the effect the Moon has on the inhabitants of it's nearest celestial neighbour. Among several fascinating sequences including the religious significance of "devine" occurances of annular eclipse's (and all eclipses) like the one shown on the right, and the Callanish Sleeping Beauty, where every year the Moon traces a path along a range of hills in the shape of a 'sleeping beauty'. There was also a sequence where coral reefs in the Pacific Ocean released all their little tiny reef sperms and eggs into the sea during a particular phase of the lunar cycle, at a certain time of the year. This phenomenon of saltwater lunar orgies is also prevalent among a large variety of fish and other marine life.
"So basically", I pondered, turning to Andy, "the sea is fuckin' crammed full of fish jizm?!"
Without pause, Andy replied:"That must be why it's so salty".
So I was in the chemist getting a prescription, idly standing around waiting, looking around.
"Hmmm... vitamins. I should probably get me some of those. Fisherman's Friend! They're great they are. Gillette razors... I wonder when that new Fusion's coming out. It's got SIX blades! COOOOL... Polaroid Sunglasses... yeah RIGHT... Sanitary Towels for men......"
Hang on a gosh-darned minute now.
(look again)
WTF? I believe I am 'flabbergasted', but I've never been flabbergasted before to my knowledge, so I'm not quite sure. Perhaps I am hallucinating? I don't feel faint or anything, so I pick up the prescription and head back to work, and hit up the big G for the word on the street.
So apparently they make sanitary towels for men now. Well ok then.
(thank the FSM I didn't embarrass myself by asking what they were for)
Why I love my girlfriend:
Nikki: "When is pancake Tuesday, is it next Wednesday?"
Me: "Err... I think it might be Tuesday..."
:-)
After seeing this '4 Things' meme on several other blogs, I thought seeing as it's been a slow week relatively speaking, I might as well give it the proverbial 'bash'.
4 jobs I've had in my life
1) Builders Labourer
2) Door-To-Door Salesman
3) Follow Spot Operator/Flyman/Stage Hand/General Slave (all in one establishment)
4) Theatre Technical Manager
4 movies I can watch over and over
1) Superman (I & II)
2) The Empire Strikes Back
3) It's A Wonderful Life
4) Brazil
4 places I have lived
1) Garristown
2) Sheffield
3) Sallynoggin
4) Err... That's kinda it! For about another two months (at the most, I hope) anyway.
4 tv shows I like to watch
1) 24
2) The Simpsons (watching it right now)
3) Family Guy
4) Pimp My Ride (oh.... piss off, stop laughing)
4 places I have been on holiday
1) New Zealand
2) Majorca
3) Devon
4) Allehies, West Cork
4 things I like to eat
1) Marmite on Toast
2) Botticelli's Italian Gelaté (Ice-Cream)
3) The Natural Confectionary Company's Party Animals ( The Big Mix, with SNAKES!)
4) Sandwiches
4 websites I visit daily
1) Boing Boing
2) Rocketboom
3) s e v i t z d o t c o m
4) The Palace Of Lord Danzor The Destructor
4 places I would rather be right now
1) Antarctica
2) Having Dinner In My Mam And Dad's
3) On A Cheap-As-Chips Sun Holiday With Nikki
4) Outer Mongolia
You know That Heineken 'Space Probe' ad, yeah? This one, I mean. Do you recognise the cunningly disguised plinky-plonk piano music at the end? It's "Bring It Back", by Moloko. Kinda like that Carlsberg Ad with Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I?m Sexy?" cunningly disguised as Chinese plinky-plonk music at the end, really. I wonder did they use the same marketing company...? Hmmm...
Maybe I'm watching too much TV.
...That somebody did the dishes.
(hint: it's not me)
Okay, maybe not quite, but hey, it's been frickin' COLD for the past month or so, like four degrees, every goddamn day! I got a coat in London in November and it's totally done the business all winter, but recently it's been freezing (well not actually freezing but the wind has been really bitter) and the draught has been getting right up me jacksey. Even with the strings pulled real tight (on the coat).
My sister Sarah works in Auto Trader. This is an actual ad she sent me from the magazine.
Brilliant.
4.21-en
Geek Support, fixing of bugger-ups, moral support, code splicing, tech. administration, whining, über-nerdery and fetching of fluffy coffees by 
